All i want for christmas , is you .

TODAY .
Woke up pretty early in the morning . Guess where i went ? Changi beach to cycle . Big shockers right , i know . Cycled for approximately 14km , could have died . Headed down to junction 8 , wanted to watch alvin and the chipmunks 2 but it was packed . So bought tickets for plaza sing's screening of the movie instead . Freaking cute , good movie to catch . Saw a few gh residents , hahaha ! Went chomp chomp again , and home-d .
Praying hard that home leave would be extended , please please .

Friday morning .
Time check , 12.10 . So , merry Christmas everyone .

Well basically , I’m stuck at home waiting for a curfew call that’s never gonna come . So conclusion is , I’m waiting like an idiot . Everyone out there’s having their share of fun , but me ? Fuck , worst Christmas ever . There’s no internet too , so I’m typing it on Microsoft word before copying it over to blogger tomorrow . Damn this whole jolly wolly shit . I feel like crap , really crappy . :/ But hey . At least I made a huge improvement this time round , I’m not putting the blame on anyone . No wait , that’s a huge lie , I blame everyone . Nah , idon’tknowwwwww . Crap .

Kay , time for seriousness . Had a rather rough day this morning . But for the first time , it wasn’t because of my parents . No , now it’s all for another reason . Some mofo made me clear the garbage back before I was allowed to go home PLUS she invaded into my privacy by READING MY LETTER THAT WAS MEANT TO BE FOR A CERTAIN SOMEONE , FUCK HER . I totally forgot that I had my letter in my angbao . But then again , I don’t think I did anything wrong , it wasn’t against any rules in gh . Who said I wasn’t allowed to write letters to my friends ? Furthermore , it wasn’t for any resident in gh . SO WHY THE HELL DID SHE HAVE TO READ MY LETTER , MY PRECIOUS LETTER . Worse still , my dad was standing directly behind her , so he could see the contents of my letter . How embarrassing ! Maybe I should count myself lucky that she didn’t tear up my letter or something . Oh I forgot , she won’t . ‘COS she’s just a lil woof in front of anyone more superior than her . Sad . Wait , why am I even allowing her to fill up perhaps a quarter of my blog ? She doesn’t deserve this , no she doesn’t . Skip her , and lets move on …

As I was saying , I had a bad morning . But after that , the rest of the day went relatively well . Went home , got changed and headed down to ang mo kio for SUSHI ! ^^ . Ate then walked around hub . I wanted to get that leather jacket from code red . Oh , I’ve gotta remind myself to go back there to get that pair of heels . But decided that I would rather head down to haji lane and see if there were another other alternatives . So down we went , and true enough , things there were way better at a more reasonable price . That’s why I’m happy today , shop shop and more shopping . Too bad I didn’t get to see tq at his workplace though , was looking quite forward to see you after such a long time . Promise you there will be a next time , but do inform me of your working hours dey . Had chompchomp’s porridge for dinner , yumyum . Next item on my wishlist , my lactose shoes and seafood ! Hope it would be fulfilled before I’m going back to gh on the 26th . Having homeleave again on the 31st to the 2nd . Praying hard that homeleave will be extended . Pretty please , Uncle.R .

Now here is perhaps the most important part of the post , my letter . I’ve decided not to pass it to you , it’s embarrassing and I wouldn’t want to see your reaction directly infront of me . So it’s better that your face is behind the screen , yeah . Its to the guy with a million and one identities , but most importantly , the one whom I believed in .
Here goes : ( It’s edited . )

I’ve gotta write it , I don’t wanna keep it in me anymore . Be it that I’m gonna be embarrassed , I’ll still write down what I’ve gotta say . I still do wonder , was everything just a lie ? I still remember my first journey down to 527 , the very first time I saw you , the butterflies I had in my stomach , how awkward I felt . I still remember how we got together , the msn convos we had , the first impression you gave me , the only movie that we watched together but a movie that really showed a lot . But looking back , I feel as though I was nothing special to you , that’s the way you treat girls anyway . I thought you were special , no , I thought WE were special . But I guess that’s just how you wanna make girls feel , your ultimate aim . I thought that we were gonna be able to make through almost everything . Not a forever , but just something really … special that we’ve between us . I can’t say that you’re the first guy that I’ve ever truly loved , but I sure can say that you’re the first that I’ve ever remained faithful to . Not only faithful , but stupidly faithful . Like as though you were my idol or something , NOT idolizing please . The type where I could actually not talk to anyone whom you didn’t like me to , just for you . This may seem nothing to you , or that perhaps another girl did a million more things for you . But for me , it was something , a way that I showed how much I actually cared about us , about where we heading towards . Wait , the whole main purpose of this letter ( more like blog post ) isn’t to state how noble I was , but to actually tell you that I did love you , and I loved you a lot . So please stop saying that I hong-d you . You jolly well know I didn’t and that it was more of the opposite instead . Its not for my reputation’s sake if that’s what you’re thinking , but because my heart always feels kinda heavy when you say that . I still feel jealous , upset , whatever , when you hong others , I still get affected by the slightest things / comments that you make . ( HAMBURGER -.- ) Don’t ask me why , I don’t know why either . But one thing’s for sure , your impact on me is gonna last for a pretty long time . I still remember the time you came into my life and I thought that maybe this could be something . I know that you’ve your girl right now , and you seem pretty happy . Maybe this is finally the time where you would settle down ( which is honestly good , ‘cos I would really be happy for you ) but whatever it is , I just wanna let you know , I’m still here for you as a friend . ( I know you ain’t lacking of it , especially girl-friends -.- But whatever . ) I’m not expecting anything , really . Nevermind , I just wanna say , I’m not gonna let everything that I believe in just slip away like this . I’m still awaiting for our next badminton game together . I decided that it won’t be ‘the next badminton that never came’ but ‘I’m looking forward to it.’ We’ve been walking in different directions for quite some time now and I know that I can’t pretend anymore . I may be nothing to you , but that’s not gonna change the way you’re to me . I’m quite happy that you kept my letter . Be it that you kept all the letters that other girls gave you , or that you went home to take my letter to put it in your wallet when you heard that I was coming down so as to be able to hong me BUT WHATEVER IT IS , I’m just happy that it’s there . I acted like I didn’t care , I even tore it up , ( I’m really sorry ! ) but I do care . Lastly , islamy .

Time check again , 1 am . STILL NO CURFEW CALL , what the hell . If I find out that they mark me as breaking the curfew call , I swear I’ll kill them . Because they didn’t even call , fuck . Waste my fucking time , damn it . Gonna print some pictures now , so goodbye . (:

She's nothing like the girl you've seen before .

They said blogging would kill me , i thought otherwise . I don't care if all are frantically finding me right now , i don't care what the future holds for me . I don't care if all says this is wrong , i don't care if it's really wrong . I don't care what's going to happen tomorrow or the next , i don't care if i'm ruining my future right now . I don't care if this ruins everything , i don't care if this destroys me . I don't care about the decision i make , i don't care if it kills my future . I don't care how you think , i don't care how they think . I don't care if i'm gonna suffer , i don't care if its gonna be a tough road ahead .

Actually , i do care .

And i care plenty much .

It's okay.

It matters to me as how much it matters to you .

Every single day ,

Life's screwed , horrible . I don't even know what i want now , and i've gotta decide something real important in a few days time . Yes , up to now , i don't think i deserve to land myself in gh . I don't think i deserve all these . I didn't say i'm not at fault , but still . So many things have changed in my absence , i can't stand it . It's as though everything fell apart ever since i went in . To my parents , i'm terribly sorry . But shouldn't you be too ? There really was better options . I don't understand , you've been with me through 15plusyears . Surely you would understand my character better than anyone else . But fact is no , you went ahead with what you thought was the best , the only right thing that was applicable for me . You listened to others , but why was it that you couldn't spare a thought for me ? Our relationship is strained ever since i was just a lil kid . How could you expect a 14 years relationship to change within perhaps in 1-2 years time ? It is impossible to me , and you know it yourself too . I can't change my ways immediately , i can't . Its not as though i don't know a single thing . Our sentences were all against each other , thus leading to this . Sometimes i really do wonder , do you guys actually want me ? If not , why ? All i wanted all these while was actually just your love , shown bravely . Have your ever thought that maybe , maybe if the way you treated me now was the exact same way you treated me in my younger days , things wouldn't have turned out like this ? To spend time with you was already so difficult . What we need is actually time , quality time spent together . But now , with such barrels between us , how so ? Like i said many times , you always thought things were better off this way . I can only tell you , its making things worse . I can't turn back time , but if i could , i would've took back every vulgarity i hurled at you in a moment of anger . Thats the only thing i regret , really . But i guess , things have become to a extent where nothing's gonna be salvaged anymore . What's done is done , no such thing as undoing it once again . I'm sorry .

Oh my sweet lord , why have things turned out this way . If it's really a must for me to shoulder all the blames , i'll do so . I really didn't think that things could have possibly changed so much . Everyone is rather different now , it sucks . I'm honestly glad my friendship with the friends i have is still there , but i seriously feel damn sad when i see them like this . Especially you* , you've changed the most . Power was never on your top-ten wanted list , what happened ? Like you say , you've everything you ever wanted , but you're still unhappy , why ? You say you don't know why , i can tell you why . Because all these is just temporary . Thats why you always want more , to achieve higher things . So go find somethings that real . Like real love , friendship . Spend more time with your family members , i mean it . I could have cried when i heard all those you told me earlier on .

And you* ( nono , not the same person ) , all i've gotta say is that , i've reached a point in my trust in you . Even if all is true , you really regretted everything , i still won't give a damn . Not because there's no second try in my vocabulary but because i can see that you still ain't ready to give up your lifestyle . Honestly speaking , i've never given up 100% on you . But whatever you did , whatever you're doing , forces me to . Or shall i rephrase , forced me to . Now i know why kpy could never really trust me after everything . The scenario is about the same , the only difference is that i was really willing to give up all and it was obvious , so unlike you . Till now , you're still the same . Maybe you've reduced , but nevertheless , a small percentage of it is still there . That small percentage that i hate ALOT . It was because of you , that i really turned hard , that i couldn't care less about how other people felt for me . To me , it was a matter of 'so' ? But i'm still different from you , i treated them really well . I haven't fall into that column of being heartless . So lets cut short , the main thing is that i don't really care anymore . Love isn't a thing that is going to be on my mind for a really long time . Especially now , looking at the situation i am in . And you know what's the most hilarious thing of all ? Everything , is what others told me . Your friends and all . But NOTHING is from you , yourself . Nothing . Perhaps i'm just another joke of yours , but so be it . I quitted playing a character in the joke of yours ever since July . I'm sorry for tearing up that note i wrote to you , something which your friends said it mattered alot to you ( again , your friends , nothing from you . ) But when i saw it , it only reminded me of being so stubbornly stupid . That Rebecca whom you managed to 'hong-d' in June , is way gone dude . She's never coming back , her heart's gonna take a real long time before it turns soft again . That's it .

*you , its gonna be a year . I hate myself for not being able to settle down my feelings before i went in . But i'm glad for the forced separation between us now . Maybe we were never meant to be , even though we crossed paths many times . Many times . I just hope all's well for you . I sincerely mean it . Just stay happy . I'm not worried or uptight about you at all . Because your character is really strong . So yeah , take care lil one .

I'M BECKAH .

Sincere apologies , taking a break .

Bye .