Every single day ,

Life's screwed , horrible . I don't even know what i want now , and i've gotta decide something real important in a few days time . Yes , up to now , i don't think i deserve to land myself in gh . I don't think i deserve all these . I didn't say i'm not at fault , but still . So many things have changed in my absence , i can't stand it . It's as though everything fell apart ever since i went in . To my parents , i'm terribly sorry . But shouldn't you be too ? There really was better options . I don't understand , you've been with me through 15plusyears . Surely you would understand my character better than anyone else . But fact is no , you went ahead with what you thought was the best , the only right thing that was applicable for me . You listened to others , but why was it that you couldn't spare a thought for me ? Our relationship is strained ever since i was just a lil kid . How could you expect a 14 years relationship to change within perhaps in 1-2 years time ? It is impossible to me , and you know it yourself too . I can't change my ways immediately , i can't . Its not as though i don't know a single thing . Our sentences were all against each other , thus leading to this . Sometimes i really do wonder , do you guys actually want me ? If not , why ? All i wanted all these while was actually just your love , shown bravely . Have your ever thought that maybe , maybe if the way you treated me now was the exact same way you treated me in my younger days , things wouldn't have turned out like this ? To spend time with you was already so difficult . What we need is actually time , quality time spent together . But now , with such barrels between us , how so ? Like i said many times , you always thought things were better off this way . I can only tell you , its making things worse . I can't turn back time , but if i could , i would've took back every vulgarity i hurled at you in a moment of anger . Thats the only thing i regret , really . But i guess , things have become to a extent where nothing's gonna be salvaged anymore . What's done is done , no such thing as undoing it once again . I'm sorry .

Oh my sweet lord , why have things turned out this way . If it's really a must for me to shoulder all the blames , i'll do so . I really didn't think that things could have possibly changed so much . Everyone is rather different now , it sucks . I'm honestly glad my friendship with the friends i have is still there , but i seriously feel damn sad when i see them like this . Especially you* , you've changed the most . Power was never on your top-ten wanted list , what happened ? Like you say , you've everything you ever wanted , but you're still unhappy , why ? You say you don't know why , i can tell you why . Because all these is just temporary . Thats why you always want more , to achieve higher things . So go find somethings that real . Like real love , friendship . Spend more time with your family members , i mean it . I could have cried when i heard all those you told me earlier on .

And you* ( nono , not the same person ) , all i've gotta say is that , i've reached a point in my trust in you . Even if all is true , you really regretted everything , i still won't give a damn . Not because there's no second try in my vocabulary but because i can see that you still ain't ready to give up your lifestyle . Honestly speaking , i've never given up 100% on you . But whatever you did , whatever you're doing , forces me to . Or shall i rephrase , forced me to . Now i know why kpy could never really trust me after everything . The scenario is about the same , the only difference is that i was really willing to give up all and it was obvious , so unlike you . Till now , you're still the same . Maybe you've reduced , but nevertheless , a small percentage of it is still there . That small percentage that i hate ALOT . It was because of you , that i really turned hard , that i couldn't care less about how other people felt for me . To me , it was a matter of 'so' ? But i'm still different from you , i treated them really well . I haven't fall into that column of being heartless . So lets cut short , the main thing is that i don't really care anymore . Love isn't a thing that is going to be on my mind for a really long time . Especially now , looking at the situation i am in . And you know what's the most hilarious thing of all ? Everything , is what others told me . Your friends and all . But NOTHING is from you , yourself . Nothing . Perhaps i'm just another joke of yours , but so be it . I quitted playing a character in the joke of yours ever since July . I'm sorry for tearing up that note i wrote to you , something which your friends said it mattered alot to you ( again , your friends , nothing from you . ) But when i saw it , it only reminded me of being so stubbornly stupid . That Rebecca whom you managed to 'hong-d' in June , is way gone dude . She's never coming back , her heart's gonna take a real long time before it turns soft again . That's it .

*you , its gonna be a year . I hate myself for not being able to settle down my feelings before i went in . But i'm glad for the forced separation between us now . Maybe we were never meant to be , even though we crossed paths many times . Many times . I just hope all's well for you . I sincerely mean it . Just stay happy . I'm not worried or uptight about you at all . Because your character is really strong . So yeah , take care lil one .